I was hesitant to do a post about spiritual isolation, because honestly, even in trying to relate to most spiritual people, I still feel isolated. When I thought about writing on this topic I talked myself out of it, because I thought people reading it might assume they’re going to read something that helps them to deal with their own feelings of isolation. That’s not the case. My blog is basically a journal. I can’t help you. I’m just as confused as you are. I’m trying to figure it all out too. My feelings of isolation come from lots of things. I have experiences that I don’t always understand, and want feedback on, or just to share with someone, but mentioning it to anyone around me would probably get me committed. So, having someone around that doesn’t think you’re insane helps. If you don’t have that and have to internalize most things then having some sort of outlet helps… this blog, and social media for example. I don’t say 80% of what I’d like to say on either, but it helps a little.
Then there’s the fact that most conversations on spirituality usually consist of chakras, emotional healing, health, meditation, love and light, saving the planet, humanity, etc. I’m more interested in the nature of this reality, our power within it, and my purpose for being here. I’m more like a modern day Gnostic, I guess you could say. Of course those things do encompass a great deal of my path too, but my perspective of this reality is definitely darker than most. My conversation veers away from the crowd a little when it comes to my energy there. That’s another thing…my energy. That’s hard to explain. I have the energy needed to serve my purpose. I also like to sometimes speak from the perspective of who/what I am, and where I am. Sometimes I do…not all the time. It’s just that I didn’t simply read that I’m not this body, and that this reality is an illusion…I actually identify with that, I’ve experienced that, and view the world and myself through that lense. For purposes of fitting in and maintaining balance here howevere, I usually just go into that space when I’m alone, like most I’m sure.
I’m sure it would help to have a man someday that understands me…that’s a small pool to fish from though. 😅
So, these are the sources of my isolation. I don’t care about the fact that no one around me is on the same thing I’m on. That type of isolation isn’t new to me. I’m an only child, and spent most of my childhood alone, talking to an imaginary listener, or just in my head. Pretty much like now.
The people closest to me in the world don’t know me. My exes don’t know me. My own parents have never known me. People know the me they grew up with, and the me I continue to be when I’m around them. Which is fine with me honestly. I have to ground myself sometimes. At the same time, I’m feeling less and less inclined to play that role. More often now I want to say things that I hold in. I’m tired of pretending. I belive this is the source of my feelings. It feels like leading a double life. There’s the one in my mind, in my dreams, and wherever the fuck, and there’s the one of this reality that belongs to my ego. The many roles my ego plays…the mother, the daughter, the woman, the friend, the neighbor, the customer, the writer, the nigga, the bitch, the human.
So, when I speak of isloation it’s a result of feeling isolated in a way that I don’t read about on blogs. It’s not about the majority of the world not being conscious or spiritual. I don’t really care about this world at all. It’s just about feeling completely alone sometimes. Like the weirdest of the weirdos. Though I know there are more like me out there. Maybe this is exactly what you’re experiencing as well. If that’s the case…I can’t help you 😂 lol