Losing My Religion…

When I turned thirty yrs old (4 yrs ago)  I remember having this sobering feeling like, “I should have this shit figured out by now”. This is what thirty does to us in a number of areas of our lives–career, relationships, finances, etc. I experienced this in regards to spirituality as well, because it was always something in the back of my mind–like extra tabs open in your browser. Like many of you I’m sure, since childhood I’d always had this nagging feeling that there was more to this reality than anyone could or would tell me, so I was by nature a seeker and a skeptic. I decided early on that Christianity wasn’t where I’d find the truth, but I had no idea where else I’d possibly find it. In my early 20’s I looked into the Muslim faith, but was immediately turned off–the same with Catholicism. I had been looking around at different religions, and not understanding why everything repelled me. Atheism never felt like the truth to me, and I didn’t know there were any other options. So, for many years I just had nothing…or so I thought. Though I wasn’t a Christian at heart, if I had to check a box on some paperwork, that was what I selected. That’s also what was on my military dogtags. I also made regular references to God, and Jesus, and even asked for forgiveness, and put in requests in times of desperation. Although I never fully believed any of it, it was still programmed into me by family and society in general. It was ingrained whether obvious to me or not.

So, there I was with nothing at 30 yrs old but a half-assed Christian faith, that I really didn’t want. However, it was all I had. I hadn’t found this truth I was looking for anywhere else I had looked. So, I concluded that perhaps there was no truth. Maybe the Atheists had it right. The only way I could go forward into the meaningless abyss of Atheism however, was to uproot the number one tool of my religion, and that was this nagging fear of going to Hell. I decided to give Christianity a real try for once in my life–not because I’d had a come to Jesus moment, but because I couldn’t ever know for sure if the truth was there, if I’d never actually given it a real chance.

I basically proceeded to spend the next 6 months to a year as the worst Christian possible…one that didn’t attend church, and who read the living hell out of the Bible. I read it damn near everyday. I researched what I read as well. This isn’t what good Christians do. Needless to say, it was the Bible itself that ultimately gave me the peace I needed to walk away. I asked for discernment while reading, and I received it. I would be reading a book and suddenly my spirit would know where a different author had picked up, or altered the scriptures. Back then of course I didn’t understand how this was possible, or what was going on. At this point I hadn’t heard any of the lectures or read any information on the Bible having been manipulated. I just knew what I knew…clear as day, and that I wasn’t imagining it.

Aside from that, there were lots of questionable scriptures like the ones saying that we were God…that God was within us, etc. I went into Christianity with the same mind I’d always had…one that thought critically and questioned everything. This hadn’t changed simply because I’d gotten baptized in an inflatable pool in my backyard (lol true story…you couldn’t drag me into a church #FeelFreeToJudgeMe 😂) These were the days that I was on Facebook, and like any good Christian many of my posts were related to Bible scriptures. There were a couple of differences that I noticed about myself and my fellow virtual congregants however. For one, I seemed to be the only one that posted anything religious throughout the week…not just on Sundays, and mine were more like commentary on what I was reading versus inspiration. I quickly noticed the err of my ways when my brothers and sisters in Christ were on my posts debating me on things I was saying. “Hol up, hol up!…I’m one of ya’ll”, I thought. (I wasn’t)

No matter who agreed or didn’t, what I was learning couldn’t be denied, and I decided to rely on my own understanding. (though discouraged) After months of studying I found myself up many late nights, with my Bible along with ten tabs in my browser open. Though I still considered myself a Christian many of those tabs were in fact now researching things to disprove it. I sat in frustration one day having realized that the truth just wasn’t there. I wasn’t going to find it. Then it hit me. “What is this whole religion about? What is the central idea of it? JESUS!”, I thought. So, I reasoned that THIS was where I’d find the answer. The answer had to be in Jesus–I mean that’s what all the hoopla was about. Then I thought, “but damn…they killed him”. I wondered why in the hell would this entire religion be celebrating someone’s death, and what in the hell could such a supposedly loving, divine, and benevolent character have done to earn such a cruel fate? The only thing I could remember him actually doing was going around from town to town spreading his gospel. “That’s it!”, I thought. Whatever he was going around saying had to be some good shit in order to get him killed. Whatever pissed the establishment off that much was what I needed to know. THAT had to be the truth. I was excited, because Spirit had placed it on me heavily….THE TRUTH IS IN THE GOSPEL.

I then read the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John at least five times…looking for that damn gospel….and it was nowhere to be found. This book should be nothing but his gospel shouldn’t it? That ladies and gentleman was when I closed the book for quite some time. I knew in my heart of hearts that the gospel of the Christ, their beloved savior not being there was a clear indication of deception. I now know of course that the gospel was in fact consciousness. Yes boys and girls, Christ (the archetype, not an actual individual) was going around waking niggas up, telling them they were God, just like he/she does today, and they crucified him for it.

I say that I put the Bible down for a while, because I actually appreciate it a lot more now that I’m able to reference it with discernment and not from the literal view that it’s taught in church. Well, this post is already longer than I intended, so I won’t go into the different stages I went through on my spiritual path after that. I’ll save it for another post or vlog perhaps. Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. 💙

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